Word O' The Year

I have liked the tradition of choosing a word for the year. It's worked well for me so far. I think it's a small thing that, maybe over time, will help shape me into the person I want to become.

This year's word is 

mindfulness.

That's a word I didn't even really understand a year or two ago. But I think I'm starting to, now. I think mindfulness is oh, so powerful and oh, so hard. In some ways, I'm pretty good at this. But in a LOT of other ways, I'm terrible at it.

Last spring my therapist husband gently-but-firmly suggested that I start purposefully practicing mindfulness at some point in each day. He said he would do it with me. So we tried it. I got my little pillow to sit on, and I took my cleansing breaths or whatever, and I stared (but not stared) at that wall while I thought didn't think of everything anything. I was aware of all I had to do my breathing.

Holy. torture.

Quiet-and-still rapidly turned into fidgety-and-bored, which rapidly deteriorated into annoyed-and-frustrated. I kept sneaking peaks over towards Dave's direction, and every time he just looked so bafflingly serene. What the??? Who is not frustrated by just SITTING THERE?? Doing nothing?? I'm great at sitting...and reading. Or sitting...and talking. Or sitting...and thinking. But just sitting and...nothing?? Oh uh-uh. I just wanted to suddenly flail all my limbs and throw my head back and yell, "BAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!" By the time we finished 10 measly minutes later (yes, seriously, this only lasted ten minutes), I was antsy and he was refreshed and peaceful. I would have laughed at the difference in us, but I was too agitated and anxious to get up and start moving.

Dave said that all the reasons that made mindfulness so excruciating for me were exactly the reasons I needed it. I resisted the urge to blow a raspberry at him, and instead said thank-you-but-I-don't-need-mindfulness because early morning running is my catharsis time. He said that was good, but not the same. I said but I pray a lot, every day. He said it's not the same. I said I could probably do better at mindfulness if I wanted to, but I just didn't see the point of it. He said prove it. I couldn't. So I just let it go for a while and focused on getting through our cross-country move and making sense of all the chaos that comes with starting over somewhere new.

Then a few weeks ago, I felt directed towards mindfulness again, but this time by God. I don't know how to explain it except to say that I just know I need to look at this again. I set it aside for a while; it's time to pick it back up. There is negative stuff inside me that needs to be weeded out if I am to be a person of peace and love. I think learning to be mindful is the next right step for me, in doing that. I know now that mindfulness is about acknowledging, accepting, embracing, and letting go. It's time for me to do that. The benefits of living like that will seep into every. single. aspect. of my life.

I tried restorative yoga a few weeks ago. I cried. I was one of those yoga people. Then I came home and was brave, and set up a budget category for me to go more often. Therapists tell you to lean into your discomfort if you want to heal. Well, I'm leaning, people. I'm leaning so hard it sort of feels like I'm impaling myself.

Mindfulness. I can do this. It's gonna be a good year.

What are you focusing on this year?