Music

Me, this morning, with my ear buds in, sweaty and stinky and feeling peaceful after my run.

I had a lot on my mind and heart this morning, so I put my homework down and went for a run. I recently rediscovered an old iPod Shuffle of mine, so today I took headphones and listened to my many-years old iPod playlist. Running with music is unusual for me. I nearly always prefer to run in silence; my brain is so constantly busy that adding music on top of it makes my runs feel chaotic. But today, I chose music. I'm so glad I did.

I'm amazed at music's ability to bring us back to the past. Few things can bring a memory back for me as full-force as a song can. I was only a few minutes into my run today when a Dave Matthews song came on. With it came a whole flood of peace and happy memories. I could feel the hurt I was working through start to dissipate. I actually said out loud as I ran, "I friggin' love you, Dave Matthews. Thank you." There are a handful of groups that just always put an involuntary smile on my face...Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dave Matthews Band, Weezer, The Beatles, Nirvana (especially Unplugged in NY...isn't that an amazing CD??). There are some songs that I love so much they feel like they are mine. "Moonlight Sonata." "Acoustic #3." "Blackbird." "A Team." "Scar Tissue." Yo-yo Ma playing "Suite for Cello no. 1 in G Major." "Longest Time." Eva Cassidy's cover of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

I spent the rest of the run listening to songs I haven't heard in years. I was reminded of runs on beautiful back-country South Carolina roads, college friends, high school friends, and being besties with David in high school. All good stuff. My mom gets pegged as being The Musical One of our family (which is understandable, since she has the most lovely voice I've ever heard in person). The truth, though, is that music is a gift both my parents gave to us. My mom gave me melody, harmony, singing me to sleep, building chords, singing a capella, and Sing This Note. She gave me the technical side of music, along with Dan Fogelberg and Jim Croce. My dad gave me the Doobie Brothers, Bread, Pachelbel's Canon in D, and (best of all) The Beatles. He gave me a version of Malaguena on the piano that slowly and hilariously has deteriorated over the years til it is only slightly recognizable. I'm so grateful for it all.

So today I've been thinking about which music reminds me of whom or what. Below is a small list (I seriously could list hundreds...my brain just instinctively latches on to music) of some instant-flashback songs for me, and the people they remind me of. 

* "Under The Bridge", Creed, Linkin Park, Nirvana, Tres Delinquentes, "Hunger Strike", --David

* "Let it Be"--my dad

* Dan Fogelberg--my mom

* Kenny Rankin's version of "Blackbird"--my brother

* "King of Anything"--my sister

* Allison Krauss--Cassie

* "Complicated" (Avril Lavigne)--my close friend Amanda...we went to nursing school together and she died of leukemia right after I graduated. I still think of her all the time.

* "Living on a Prayer"--Rob and Becky

* "Angels We Have Heard On High"--Glen (because "What the gladsome tidings??!?")

* Steve Miller Band--Andrew (he let me listen to it on his headphones on the bus headed to the state track meet our senior year)

* "Maxwell's Silver Hammer"--Meghan (she gave me my first CD...Best of Simon and Garfunkel)

* "What the World Needs Now Is Love"--Lindsay/Ishtar

Do you have songs that remind you of something else? What are they?

So this happened today:

This kid is a kindergarten graduate. As we sat there clapping for his little self and watching him walk in to the commencement song (that song always makes me get choked up, which used to always surprise me about myself until I made my peace with it: I am a school-program cryer. Christmas programs, class musicals, graduations...I just am. Deal with it.), looking at him sitting there waiting for his turn to walk across the stage (his feet still don't touch the floor), it occurred to me that this is our last kinder graduation. The last. And I simultaneously felt like, "We did it! We did all the toddler years!" and like, "Oh. It's over. That was it, and it's gone." 

Mostly, I think it's just as it should be. I loved our years of having littles. There are many parts of that stage that I'll miss, and some parts that make me glad to move on (having littles is just. so. physically. tiring.). And I love now that they are growing older--it's amazing to watch them develop. (And they get so funny as they get older!) But on the whole...it just is all going so fast. The older they get, the more time picks up speed. Everyone tells you to enjoy it because it goes quickly, but when I was doing babies and toddlers, time never felt quick. Those were sloooooow years for me. Now, though, I feel like I can't grasp it fast enough. Makes me grateful I am learning mindfulness...to be present so I can breathe these moments in instead of missing them.

20 years

(Can you believe I'm blogging again? Me neither. I make no promises about the future, but today, this is happening, people, because I have something to say.) 

Our engagement photo, ages 21 and 23.

Yesterday was the last day of May. This may marked 20 years of friendship with David. 20 YEARS. He's been in my life so much longer than he ever wasn't. Twenty years ago this May he plopped down next to me on the bleachers at the last track meet of the year and introduced himself. I was a freshman in high school, he was a sophomore. I was putting on my spikes to run my last race. I didn't know much about who he was--I knew his name, and that he was my good friend Kevin's older brother. I had said hello to him several times during the track season. But that was about it. But there he was beside me on the bleachers, and we had this conversation:

David: "Hi, I'm David."

Me (smiling): "Yeah. I know who you are."

David: "I've smoked pot."

Me (both amused and also unsure why he was sharing this information): "Ok."

David (struggling a bit): "I just...I know who you are. I know you're Austin's sister and that you're a good kid. If we're going to be friends, I just want you to know that."

Me (surprised at his declaration that we are apparently going to be friends, and still amused): "Well, ok then. It's nice to meet you, Dave."

And that was that. The summer passed and we didn't ever have a reason to see each other. Fall came, and we had chemistry class together. Our teacher used the Popsicle Sticks of Fate (I kid you not...chemistry, popsicle sticks of fate...obvi we were destined to be together at that moment) to choose lab partners. Our names were chosen. We did our lab together, then he came over that night so we could write the report together. Three hours later, we were inseparable.

I have never experienced a friendship as instinctual as mine with David. It felt like breathing. We just settled in to each other and never looked back. Two years later, we started dating. Five years after that, we got married. And here we are now, thirteen years into this marriage.

If you would have told me that day at the track meet when I was 14 that David and I would have four children together, that we would share a life together, it would have blown my mind. Neither of us was what the other had envisioned for ourselves. And yet, here we are.

Our road has been plenty rocky. We have had times where we were just...hurting. To feel lonely in a marriage is a terrible thing. But we have had some spectacularly beautiful, soul-filling times too. I suspect that's just...marriage. But maybe not. Maybe others have had a smooth journey. I'm not sure it really matters. We are all "made" along the way, in one way or another.

Regardless, here's what I have to say today:

I'm so proud of our marriage. We have something breathtaking, and we have worked so hard for what we have. We've been to counseling (twice). We've had to learn how to fight, to validate, to forgive, to live and let live. We have come such a long way! We have come through four babies, tear-inducing grad school poverty and the slow climb out of it, a near divorce, separate-but-simultaneous deep faith transitions, five cross-country moves (nine moves in total), his doctoral degree, my (in progress) master's degree, and owning a cat that was pretty much the feline version of Satan. (I'm not even kidding. She was...I have no words.) 

But, oh, how we have come through it! Kinder, gentler, wiser, closer, more respectful, more understanding, better. Enough time has passed that I can finally see how the process--the journey--has been valuable. The outcome is sweet, but the journey, with all its ups and downs, has never been more precious to me. David and I know all the worst parts of each other (some of which are oh-so real), and along with that has come the freedom and privilege of enjoying the very best parts of each other as well (those are oh-so real, too...I have never laughed more with anyone in all my life than I have with him). Our marriage is the greatest accomplishment of our lives so far. I'm so glad I married him, and I'm so grateful we haven't given up on each other. He's the best friend I've ever had. 

* I write this with awareness that everyone's marital/relationship journey isn't in a good place right now. To my friends and sisters who are hurting in their relationships right now--I love you. 

Two years after he first introduced himself. This is the end of track season my junior year, his senior.
We were 16 and 18 years old.

Prom his senior year. Ages 16 and 18.

My high school graduation party. David had just completed his first year
at the University of San Diego. Ages 17 and 19.

Hiking Zion's National Park. We had been married 10 months. Ages 22 and 24.

Our first anniversary, at the Grand Canyon. I was pregnant with Elijah.  

At his graduation for his PhD. Ages 29 and 31. 

Just a couple months ago. Ages 34 and 36.

Oregonian Summer

We spent an entire month in Oregon this summer. David's main job can be done from anywhere, so we took full advantage of it and spent time with family, family, family this summer. It felt so good! (Who vacations for a month?? We totally did that. We were "those" people. Turns out you don't actually have to be rich to do that. You just have to have a super flexible job and be gifted airline tickets. Boom.) We all agreed it was our favorite vacation ever. We did all the touristy-Astoria things, had tons of non-scheduled time together, and came home relaxed and grateful for our family and the breathtaking place we grew up in. Here's a picture-fest of the trip. 

On the plane on the way to Oregon!

Cannon Beach. There's nothing quite like Oregon beaches.

None of the kids were dissuaded by the freezing water. They always love the ocean.

This is my mom, summarized in a picture. Dog at her feet, barefoot, out being active, football under her arm bc she was throwing with Elijah (she's the best female football thrower/catcher I've ever seen, seriously).

Love.

He had a thumb ouchie that only Same-Same (my dad) could make right.

Daredevils at the county fair. This ride went high, fast, spinny, and long. Glad they have each other to ride with!

If this is not the perfect "I'm four and I can't figure out how to smile like a regular person, am I doing it?" look, I don't know what is. Makes me laugh!

She felt badly that Elijah was riding this super-spinning ride alone, so she joined him, then regretted it for the next two hours. :)

More rides!

My parents.

We all went ziplining (except Kai, who didn't weigh enough). SO FUN.

My dad.

All our kids love fishing. We went several times.

Our little family, post-fishing and boating.

My parents set up this MASSIVE 100-foot slip-n-slide in their backyard. We soaped it up with dish soap and had a total blast.

My parents.

18 years of friendship.

Elijah, Oliver the Dog, my mom.

I love that she loves to fish!

Someday soon we will be forever done having a four year old in the house. The thought makes me sad. :)

Such a patient fisherman!

I want. to kiss. his face off.

Kai turned four during our trip. This picture isn't staged. He actually was THAT excited about this particular Elephant and Piggie book that he received.

Summer sun!

Our smart, wonderful, creative bookworm. It is the challenge of the century to keep her supplied with books to read.

Grandma Servino ordered an amazing birthday cake for Kai!

Dave's mom and Haven.

Bowling! Kai and I got the exact same score. That's not a joke. That's what an awesome bowler I am.

This picture makes my heart happy.

The Columbia River. This river is a part of me.

Great Grandma Fran and the kids.

David and his dad.

Waiting for the Regatta Parade!

Servino grandparents and the kids. Our kids have been blessed with two absolutely amazing sets of grandparents.

Trying waterskiing for the first time.

She went around the entire lake and never did eat it. We had to yell for her to let go of the rope when she started signaling that she was too tired to keep going!

Dane got right up on his first try and stayed up for a super long time. So fun to watch these guys ski...we went when I was growing up and I always enjoyed it!

One of my life's greatest friends and blessings. No words for how much I love this girl!

Brian, a family friend, offered to boat surf with Dane. Dane didn't hesitate for a second. He just jumped right in, trusted Brian, did what he said, and loved every second. :)

Kai's favorite parts of boating were eating licorice and riding in the fast boat. He did plenty of both.

First time I've skied in like 15 years, and first time I've ever boat surfed--so fun! But holy sore-the-next-day. Turns out my body has had four kids and isn't 18 years old anymore. Huh. Weird.

Dave at work in the dress-up hat Haven brought him. It totally helped him work efficiently.

My dad, Elijah, Haven.

Love this girl!

This man. My father. Oh my gosh, I love him. He asked me if this outfit matched, because it was all plaid, and plaid matches plaid, right?? He realized it didn't, when I started laughing and asked to take his picture. There are no words. 

Another life friend and blessing. It makes me so happy to catch up with people I love!

One of my cousins. The beach was absolutely freezing and windy this night, but I'm so glad we braved it to be able to spend more time with her sweet, fun family. Pretty sure she has some of the most amazing kids on the planet.

One of Dane's many catches!

Houghtaling cousins + ice cream = one heck of a happy afternoon.

My sister, Kelsie. Isn't she lovely?

This picture warms my heart. Not sure what about it makes me so happy, but...I'm crazy about him, and this picture looks very "him" to me.