In honor of Halloween, here's a list of things I am afraid of:
1. Floral patterns. There's a fine line between frumpy and vintage, and floral patterns are ezzackly on that line. I have a feeling the success of the floral pattern thing is in direct proportion to your accessorizing skillz. But I can't be sure. When I see floral patterened shirt, I'm like, "Oh, that's cute! Wait......is it?" And then I stand there squinting at it until finally I just walk away.
2. Cockroaches. I am a veritable knight with most creeping and crawling things. Even if I think they are gross, I can usually push it aside enough to hold it or point out to my kids how fascinating and cool they are. But not with cockroaches. The antennae are too long, they're too fast, they run in unpredictable routes, and they make too big of a crunching sound if you squish them. They give me the heebie jeebies. I did not have experience with them before living in the South. No. thank you. They fall strictly under David's realm of responsibility whenever he is home. I do not compromise on this point.
3. My table saw. I love having it and enjoy using it, but am aware that it could cut my entire arm off in five seconds. Every time I use it and don't end up cutting a finger off, I feel relieved.
4. Scary movies. I am a total scary-movie baby. If it's something pretend (read: zombies or aliens), I'm good. But if it's something that could be real (read: crazy rapists, child abduction), I'm out, out, out. I think a movie should leave me better than it found me, meaning it should be interesting, sweet, super cool, or funny. Not you're-going-to-be-scared-to-go-to-the-bathroom-at-night-for-the-next-five-years.
5. Not parenting Kai and Dane as diligently as I did the first two. Kai totally gets away with more stuff than anyone else did, because I'm spread more thin and because half of what he does, I'm not around to see (he's up in the playroom or outside with his siblings instead of constantly playing right by me like Elijah did at his age). Hopefully, he won't become a serial killer crack addict because of it.
6. Offending people. I am passionate, and it takes some serious self control (and often the influence of David, Kelsie, or my mom) to reign it in. I can be judgmental when I think people are being unkind, insensitive, or are uneducated. Mary Lou Kownacki said, "There isn't anyone you couldn't love once you've heard their story." I love that, because I believe it's true. But until I grow to the point that I never have to remind myself of that, I will always be a little afraid that one of these days someone's going to say or post something that strikes a cord with me, and I will unleash my inner beast. I know from experience that the beast is not pretty. I would almost certainly regret it.
7. Skinny jeans. Skinny. Jeans. Jeans, that are skinny. As in, skin-tight. So, it's like wearing denim tights in front of everyone. Here is the exact shape and contour of my butt and legs, as well as a complete view of my cellulite, from every angle. Because my jeans are skinny. Ummmmm...yeah, no. Not for me. Cute on lots of other people, but...I'm sticking with my boot-cuts.
8. Open water. It's so creepy when you can't see what's beneath you. I do it--I love to boogie board and waterski, but...in the back of my mind I'm always wondering if something is just about to eat me.
9. Mixing up my words to say embarrassing and inappropriate things. Ever since having kids, I accidentally mix up my words ALL THE TIME. It's ridiculous. It's like when I get busy or distracted, there's a disconnect between what I'm thinking and what comes out of my mouth. Example: last month when I was teaching my 16 and 17 year old girls in church, and I was trying to say that in a marriage, men and women bring different gifts and talents, and both are needed. It was a nice thought. What I SAID was, "You see things in a marriage. There are parts" (yes, I actually used that exact word...not "qualities" or "characteristics") "of David that are FABULOUS." Somebody immediately said, "Eeeewwwww," and then we all started laughing so hard we were crying, and I had to end my lesson 15 minutes early because we couldn't recover.
So there you have it. If you ever want to give me a heart attack, you can put me in skinny jeans with a floral top and chase me with a table saw, into a cockroach-infested ocean where there are a bunch of people saying unkind and uneducated things about issues I feel passionately about. Holy. Terror.
What are you afraid of?
5 comments:
Lindsey: I love how you write and always get a laugh or tear at your words. What you have to look forward to: all the things you missed that the kids did "on their own" over holiday tables for the next sixty years! LOL You'll wonder who raised them and where were you? Also, the cardinal rule when I was working with power tools, NO ONE was allowed to call out to me until I saw them standing on the other side of the room and I had turned off the power. Enjoy.
Blahahaha!! Love it! I too am afraid of florals! I really want to like them, I do. I see how cute they look on some people, but I just know that if I were to "cross that line" I will be official old. And I am so very sorry for your word mix up. I have absolutely no idea whats that like, whatsoever. I may or may not have recently told Klint I think I have a brain tumor because I say nonsense things all the time. And half the time I don't even realize it until someone calls me out on it. oh sigh.
Things that make me afraid...I live in fear that I am going to forget one of my children. I am horrible I know. But with them all developing their own schedules, I am pretty sure one of them is going to end up stranded for 20 mins while I go pick up no one at the wrong place. That's my terrifying fear at the moment.
I constantly live in fear of my house catching on fire when I leave. Weird, I know. I think it would be horrible to burn my house down and risk catching other houses on fire all because I left my straightening iron on, or the oven or burner. Or the dishwasher or dryer somehow catching on fire. (I've heard of it happening!) I am almost OCD about it when I leave to go anywhere.
Also - I TOTALLY agree with you about scary movies. My peace of mind at night and in the dark is worth WAY more than any dumb movie. Also, Dave and I totally freak out when we watch them together, which is not good when neither of us needs to go by ourselves to check on the kids in the dark. It's just an unspoken agreement in our marriage - no scary movies.
So funny, Lindsey--you crack me up. Thanks for your very kind comment on my blog as well. And amen about the scary movies--"Ernest Scared Stupid" and "Hocus Pocus" scared me as a kid and still kinda do as an adult! And cockroaches, I so am there. In Augusta GA where we moved from, they were as common as mosquitoes and so huge. That was one of the questions I asked when we were looking at moving to VA! This makes me want to post about fears too. Too funny.
#9 makes me think about all the awesome things your mom has said, and the laughter we've enjoyed as a result. Perhaps you've joined the club. :)
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