Before my mom flew back home after coming out for Kai's birth, she gave me a piece of advice. It went something like this, "Linz, you just need to lower your expectations right now." I know--doesn't sound so typically parental, does it?? Then she joked, "If your kids are all alive at the end of the day, consider it a success!"
I've thought about this many, many times since she left. Because a new baby and accompanying sleep deprivation are not the only life-stressors we have right now. There's also the daily possibility of David finally receiving the "official" offer for a job we've been told is his, which would move us to South Carolina. There's getting a home ready to go on the market, an 8-month old wonderful but exhaustingly spastic boxer puppy, endlessly tight finances, and three other children (the oldest of whom is 6). There has been the stress of David trying to finish school, although as of Friday, that stress is gone. Sweet, sweet relief!!
Many stresses + No control or life plan= Crazy Lindsey.
On a number of occasions recently, as I have started to spontaneously combust, David has reminded me that the only thing I can control right now is me--how I react, and the kind of wife and mother I am right now. Everything else I have to give to God. Can you tell I'm married to a therapist?
So I think there is tremendous wisdom in my mother's advice. Lower my expectations. I've decided that I have two daily mom goals right now--keep the children safe, and be a nice, happy mother. If the house is a wreck, it's ok. If I feed them corn dogs every night for dinner, no one will die. If Haven's hair doesn't get brushed, if Dane never gets out of pajamas, if the baby doesn't get bathed immediately, if I don't wear makeup or do my hair any day but Sunday, if the kids watch 80 million hours of television...IT'S OK. Because the most important thing to me is actually NOT having a clean home. It's having a happy and peaceful home.
Someday, the healthy dinners and clean home and limited screen time will return. A feeling of control will return. But right now, I am letting go of everything except doing THIS phase with grace and happiness. So my home looks like this:
And this happens when I burp the baby and the kids are watching TV:
And you know what? It's ok with me. It's working. The more I simplify and focus on what matters most, the more I actually SEE what DOES matter most. Almost all the time, I feel quietly happy. Tired always, but peaceful. Lowering my expectations has allowed me to see my blessings more clearly. Blessings like a strong faith in God, a beautiful marriage, a husband who is done with school and has a solid job prospect, a sweet puppy who is going to be an awesome family dog, and most of all, these four healthy blessings:
Thanks, Mom. Perspective is everything. We are blessed!
12 comments:
Love you Lindsey!!
I don't know how to explain how much I appreciate reading about your mom's advice (which I've gotten from my mom before!) and seeing you do it. You are a great mom.
That's the perfect attitude to have. I, too, had my fourth baby when the oldest was six. It's now been six years and I can safely say that the babies grow much too quickly to stress about the mess.
oh, sweet baby!! i loved your labor story, and i'm feeling your not-in-control stress... this past few months i've focused on "singleness of heart"- just doing the one thing i'm doing with all my heart and not worrying about the 500 other things i could be worrying about.
life is good.
you are an exceptional mother.
your children are so blessed!
congratulations to all of you!!
Amen!! I think you are doing great! And I know for all of us in "the trenches", it will go by too fast! I am trying to do the same...and might be typing this in my pj's at 6pm!! ;) love you lady!! Hope that it comes true that you are coming back to the east! I need a vacay to SC!! Keep those expectations in perspective!!
Loved your post. I have been thinking about you. We should go to the science spectrum sometime. Tyler is huge! How is Eli liking school?
Great perspective and wonderful post. Thanks Lindsey and Lynne.
I love it, Lindsey! You're doing great! My house looks worse than that and I only have 2 kids! What great advice from David and your mom. And I like your goals, too. I've had to learn how to let go of control in many phases we've been through as well. Trying to control everything just adds to the stress and makes an unhappy mom!
Love this. My entire married and mothering life has been an exercise in lowering my expectations. It has been a good experience for me. Can we see you guys while we're in Lubbock? Friday's looking pretty open :)
Lorraine
ahh lindsey...te pup fete mea! It should be so simple to simplify....so why can't I do it? Way to go at doing what matters most. Maybe if I learn this lesson a million more times than I already have it will stick!!
I find that, ironically, I am a lot happier when I lower my expectations. Of course, there ARE things that you need to expect the best of - but when it comes to kids and housework this works wonderfully. I love all your posts. Your style of writing is fantastic. I have been trying to prepare myself for what it's going to be like around here when the 3rd comes around, but I don't think there is much I can do about it at this point.
Okay, I feel like I am just rambling now. I hope that all made sense! Miss seeing you and your cute fam around town. South Carolina sounds really excting, that's awesome for you guys. Just don't rule out Dallas. Just saying. :)
One of the many reasons I LOVE your blog Lindsey! This post is so true and hilarious! Sometimes I get antsy that we still have 9 weeks until we meet our new baby, and then I remember the crazy post-baby time. I'm really enjoying my full night's sleep and moderately clean house!
Have I mentioned that I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE YOU!!!!
I needed to hear this! Safe kids, happy me! Simple, yet such a struggle sometimes! So sad you may be moving farther away...miss your family!
You're wonderful!
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